| My dad and mom owned a bar so at a very early | | | | After reading this list and the article |
| age it became very easy for me to be around | | | | associated with the list I concluded that I |
| people who drank all the time. From the time | | | | was an ACOA, dysfunctional, needed therapy, |
| I was a kid I thought that the whole world | | | | was warped, hated my parents, and had no |
| drank and got drunk. My dad was a binge | | | | business being married to a girl that I had |
| drinker and he would go off on a bender every | | | | known for ten years. Great, great, so now |
| six months or so. He would be gone from one | | | | what? So what I did was come up with a lot of |
| to three days. I always asked my mom where | | | | excuses for my behavior, act more like an |
| dad slept when he was gone and she would say | | | | idiot than ever before, get into therapy, and |
| in the car. I wasn't sure who drove who | | | | then divorce my wife. I began to walk around |
| crazier, mom or dad. Dad would drink and | | | | and wonder if every move I made was related |
| drive mom nuts, but when dad was sober mom | | | | to me being an ACOA. I began to argue for my |
| would say things to dad to get under his | | | | own weaknesses and became more and more |
| skin. So I wasn't sure if mom drove dad to | | | | irresponsible. |
| drink or dad's drinking drove my mom to make | | | | |
| those comments. I didn't really drink as a | | | | This went on for about five years until I |
| teenager, but started to drink when I go | | | | started to learn the benefits of my time in |
| married the first time. I drank a lot during | | | | history and my upbringing. There are benefits |
| the summer, especially when I bartended at a | | | | to our up bringing. Too often we look at the |
| restaurant in Belmar, NJ. As I became unhappy | | | | downside of how we were raised. I was a |
| in my marriage I drank more and more until my | | | | baby-boomer as was everyone else in my age |
| drinking got a little out of control and I | | | | bracket, and I would bet that many of us have |
| became frightened of my own behavior and my | | | | looked back at our lives and begun to wonder |
| thoughts. I knew on some level that I had a | | | | how did we ever get this way. I decided that |
| major problem, so I started to read all I | | | | I could go on hating my life or I could look |
| could find about my drinking. I came across | | | | at what benefit I got from my upbringing. I |
| this acronym in a book, ACOA. I discovered it | | | | realized I could use my past to help the |
| meant Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I read | | | | future. I was 36 years old (in case you're |
| more and discovered that somebody hooked to a | | | | wondering I am 52 now) when I started to |
| bunch of symptoms to the condition, 13 to be | | | | realize that this ACOA thing was not an |
| exact. What an unlucky number. Let me | | | | emotional death sentence but rather an |
| enumerate them here: | | | | opportunity for me to put things in |
| | | | perspective for myself and my children. |
| ACOA's ... | | | | |
| | | | I had an epiphany of sorts one day about |
| 1. Guess at what normal is. | | | | three years ago. I was riding around in the |
| | | | car with my daughter Grace who was about 7 |
| 2. Have difficulty in following a project | | | | years old at the time. I told her a story |
| through from beginning to end. | | | | about my dad and we both ended up in |
| | | | hysterics. So whenever Grace and I were |
| 3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell | | | | together, I would tell her another story |
| the truth. | | | | about my father from my childhood. We had a |
| | | | great time laughing together. One day Grace |
| 4. Judge themselves without mercy. | | | | came to me with a list she had compiled of |
| | | | these stories; there were 12 of them about my |
| 5. Have difficulty having fun. | | | | dad that she had kept track of on paper. All |
| | | | of these stories had come out of that dreaded |
| 6. Take themselves very seriously. | | | | ACOA environment that I lived in. You know |
| | | | the place that screwed me up. They were so |
| 7. Have difficulty with intimate | | | | funny now that it didn't matter that my dad |
| relationships. | | | | had the personality of an alcoholic because |
| | | | all Grace knows is that I don't, and she and |
| 8. Overreact to changes over which they have | | | | I can laugh together about all of the |
| no control. | | | | insanity that I went through as a kid. I have |
| | | | read all kinds of books about how I got the |
| 9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation. | | | | way that I got. How I got here doesn't |
| | | | matter. What matters is what I am going to do |
| 10. Feel that they are different from other | | | | now that I am here. Most people that I have |
| people. | | | | spoken to want to read a book and discover |
| | | | something to do right away in order to make |
| 11. Are either super responsible or super | | | | change. They are not interested in why they |
| irresponsible. | | | | do what they do but rather how to stop, like |
| | | | right now. |
| 12. Are extremely loyal, even in the face of | | | | |
| evidence that loyalty is undeserved. | | | | My daughter taught me how to change real |
| | | | quick, laugh about it and enjoy the person |
| 13. Have money dysfunction, such as hiding it | | | | you are with while you are laughing. For me |
| or being disorganized with it. | | | | it was Grace who showed me the blessings of |
| | | | my past. |